Confessions of a General (1)

He still had one hand propped up on his forehead, and seemed very distressed.

Shuo Yan was silent for a moment, stroking his hair, though he understood the general context in his mind, though he still had to cover it up sheepishly.

"Why, I just got your call."

He touched the other's palm, attempting to get a hint of warmth and strength from it, only his voice was obscure, as if he had forced it out.

"I ......" he paused, "I didn't protect Zhirou, she's gone."

He was almost downcast, Zhirou Shen had disappeared only half a day ago, and Shuo Yan almost felt that he had lost half of his vitality.

"It's my fault."

He couldn't help but reach out and circle the other man in his arms.

"No, you mustn't think like that, calm down."

"Thank you, I ......" he still couldn't help but use honorifics when he was nervous, but now his hand-wringing was taking over his entire brain, "I . ...I'm just a little scared."

It's not really pleasant for a man to admit his vulnerability, it shows that he's too much in the dark right now, too much dissecting himself for a bit of composure.

Shuo Yan patted him on the back to reassure him.

What Zhifan Shen seems to need more than anything else at this point is to confide in him, and he just needs to be here to accept his hugs without saying a word, and then give him a solid shoulder to lean on.

"I've lost my memory, I ...... don't remember a lot of things," his fingers gripped the collar of his coat, and Shuo Yan could even see his whitened bones, and his somewhat bruised lips, "I know there are a lot of things about me ...... many things not so good, I must have, done some things wrong, but I can't trace them, even because those memories are so horrible that I simply ...... I don't want to trace them at all."

He recalled the time before at the mech base, where the other party was sweating coldly, his spine shivering so much that his body was as wet as if he had been drenched in cold water.

- - Broken images passed through his mind by the thousands at that second, as if ten thousand spikes poked through his heart and ten thousand voices went through his eardrums.

-- He obviously still did not think of anything, but his body is left with that trembling feeling, that ...... unspeakable pain, as if it can only give the inner side of the body a knife and a knife meticulously and decisively sliced down, bone and flesh fuzzy pain, fragmentation of the bitter.

It made his body stiffen so much that it began to tremble.

That agony gave him a deep understanding of the weirdness in him.

The experiences he had had, the nightmares he had had, were so painful that it was as if they were beyond the reach of a sixteen year old.

Sixteen-year-old Zhifan Shen is naïve and kind, living on a remote wilderness planet. Every day before bed, he prays to the distant stars for a smooth and colorful future, and by the way, he also touches his favorite Shuo Yan, who can be called a longing and yearning.

Not Zhifan Shen, who woke up and seemed to have it all, but then lost it all.

He couldn't say exactly what he'd lost, but his gut told him it was better not to know.

He still remembered the man mentioned at the end of that diary.

His tone was full of hostility, not towards someone, but towards a world.

This kind of him looks dangerous and incomprehensible, what kind of things Zhifan Shen did back then, and what kind of people are in contact with ...... Zhirou Shen's disappearance is not also related to those people?

Now it seems as if that reason is greater.

He couldn't help but think of that midnight phone call, the strange man with the cold words.

In hindsight it may have been a wake-up call.

Because he did not remember, so the other side easily perceived the difference and threatened him with Zhirou Shen.

It sounds so logical that Zhifan Shen had to be convinced.

"I thought ...... I thought that if I hadn't been thinking about it, those things would have gone away," his fingers were still tightly clutching the corner of Shuo Yan's coat, and his gaze looked overwhelmed, "but it wasn't, and around me A thousand holes are all broken, just Zhirou Shen alone is enough to break me down ...... A lot of things I did, so there must be retribution right ...... Even if I don't know what I really did now."

"...... It sounds scary when I say it like that, doesn't it?"

He suddenly paused, his tone cold, even a little desperate.

"My lord, I used to say in my diary that I despaired of this country, and did I ...... do, or did I not do, those things which I ought not to have done?"

Shuo Yan's breath hitched as he firmly hugged the other, but at this point he didn't know exactly what to say.

"You ...... actually know, don't you," Zhifan Shen lifted his head, his gaze gray, "I've kept it quiet, greedily enjoying the goodness you've shown me... ...I could feel how special you were to me, and I ...... I wallowed in that pleasure, so I've refused to face reality head on."

"Did I do, something really bad?"

Zhifan Shen like thin jade, now this piece of thin jade covered with light dust, let Shuo Yan's heart also dust.

"No." He knew that if he did say something at this point it would surely sway him.

The teenager - let's call it a teenager, at least from a certain point of view - was.

He clenched his lips as if he was going to die if he said anything.

Shuo Yan directly lifted his chin and kissed him hard.

Because of the excessive force, he felt that he probably bit through the flesh of the other's lips, but Zhifan Shen didn't care, his arms circling around his neck.

He looks like he's drowning, Shuo Yan thought, he's done nothing wrong, he's been used from start to finish.

He was originally such a nice teenager, carefree, with the best eyes in the world, he so wanted to cherish him ...... but did not have the time.

And so the young man who was originally treasured in his heart suffered, was twisted, oppressed, utilized, and honed into a sharp and merciless cold knife.

He was powerful and had fame and money, but he wasn't happy at all.

He lived on thin ice, obviously resting on silk and gold, but the seeds of hatred buried in his heart wore him down.

So he's about to drown.

Shuo Yan kissed him hard, entwining his lips and tongue, sucking over every last drop of his juices, and there was nothing more diverting than a breathless kiss.

The other party's agonized helplessness gradually transformed into a thick breathing sound, as if echoing in the empty room, bringing unspeakable ambiguity.

He saw his eyes tightly closed, those superbly good-looking eyes closed, once either innocent or melancholy, but it didn't detract from his good looks, and his eyelashes fluttered lightly like butterflies, flickering on that thin jade.

This was the best teenager in the world, this favorite of his.

His mind was empty as well, just thinking blankly like that.

But he almost drowned because of the guys who lived so hard for their own selfish desires, so tired, with pressures on both sides like mountains, making him prefer to escape even as a sixteen year old.

How can he give it up?

It was all he could do to kiss him like that, to shift his wounds and lick his scars.

But the kiss finally came to an end, and by the time it was over Zhifan Shen seemed to have calmed down a bit and was no longer as gray as before.

...... Of course it could also be because the kiss was harder, making his whole face red.

Shuo Yan, however, refused to end it and pulled him over to kiss him again between his eyebrows.

Inch by inch, he kissed his way down, and then finally to his lips.

"...... General, my lord."

"I thought not to call me that."

Shuo Yan aligned the tip of his nose with the tip of his own, the two of them so close that their breaths were within arm's reach of each other.

"...... me, me ......"

He lowered his head a bit hesitantly, but Shuo Yan dragged his chin.

"You're not wrong," he soothed thus; "you don't want to know all that for the present; I'll tell you something else."

Zhifan Shen turned his eyes to him.

"Seven years ago, in N-192, you saved me," Shuo Yan said slowly, blushing a little, "Then I wasn't with you because of the military, but I never told you that we actually ...... "

Zhifan Shen keeps his eyes open.

"So," he paused and kissed him lightly again, "I'm here to answer to you now."

"Don't you be afraid."