Chapter 8: Delusion

Drinking water was often a nightmare prank for Tan Mo, who was once too young to recognize good and evil, and for Tan Mo, whose legs were crippled in an automobile accident, it was an unspeakable shame and a life worse than death.

When he was a kid, his buddies who read together in class would call him away for good and sneak something mind-numbing into Tan Mo's glass of water, or mustard, or a handful of dirt, or a worm, or something even more disgusting.

He once choked on mustard and nearly choked from coughing.

Since then he would never take a cup to school again, nor had he taken a sip of water or eaten once at school.

Then his legs were crippled and he could no longer stand up, and he would not take another sip of water. Because going to the bathroom after drinking water, going to the bathroom, the most everyday act for everyone, is the most embarrassing torture for Tan Mo.

So that girl, what was she offering to talk to him for, and what was she offering to fetch him water for?

He couldn't think about that much, and for a moment his mind roared, only able to recall the exaggerated and unbridled shaming laughter of his former classmates.

"Tan Mo, let's go to the restroom together."

"Tan Mo, how do you disabled people go to the toilet? Do you need help? How do you help?"

"Tan Mo, drink water or not, laxative!"

Finally it gradually overlapped with the voice of the girl who had just been there.

"Tan Mo, so do you want some water, I can stop by and get you a cup."

Tan Mo never expects anything, but the girl who said good afternoon to her one moment says something so similar to what she once said the next.

He was not disappointed, or perhaps his emotional system, isolated by his condition and different from that of the next person, could not recognize disappointment as a high level emotion, and the emotions that overwhelmed him in this moment were no different to him than the humiliation, the anger, that he had once felt.

She was no different than the ones who had humiliated him.

No, it's still different, and she'll even pretend to be kind enough to approach him before.

And very patiently approached several times.

He wouldn't look forward to any more good mornings or good afternoons.

He was going to stay away from this man.

Qiao Lan realized that since that day, Tan Mo's attitude towards her had become colder and colder.

Sure, Tan Mo had always been cold to her, but Qiao Lan could still find something different in that always expressionless face.

Once when she said good morning to Tan Mo, Tan Mo, though she would give her no response, would stop her wheelchair and stare at her with the kind of eyes other students described before finally lowering her head again to pass by her in silence.

But now, when Qiao Lan says hello to him, Tan Mo won't even stop his wheelchair.

Tan Mo is like isolating Qiao Lan's voice, not being able to hear Qiao Lan's voice, and the rejection is so obvious that even the rest of the class can see it.

"Crap Qiao Lan is also too funny, she actually took the initiative to say hello to Tan Mo, only for them to ignore her."

"No one wants to talk to her, so she has to talk to stupid people."

The group bursts out laughing and turns their heads towards Tan Mo's spot in the last row, who is looking down at something.

The English is so dense that even Song Yao, who has the best English grades, may not be able to read it smoothly.

It's a world famous book, Wuthering Heights.

He couldn't quite remember why he had picked up the book again, perhaps because Qiao Lan's good intentions were hidden behind "bad intentions", which suddenly reminded him of the hero of the book, Heathcliff's gentleness underneath his hatred.

There wasn't really much of a connection, but he somehow made the connection.

He looked down at the book just in time to see a sentence.

[Souls go to the grave, will you still want to live?]

After the death of his mother, after the crippling of his legs, he asked himself every day, would you still want to live.

[Loneliness is the only thing that belongs to you alone.]

That's a good way to put it, he had nothing, not family, not friendship, not health, not the perception of emotions, not dignity, he had none of that, only loneliness belonged to him, from the beginning to the end.

November in the north has gradually dispersed the heat, early in the morning when the dry grass condensed into a white frost, and the sky of the cool autumn wind "mirror".

But it doesn't seem to be any different for the students.

I'm even a little happy that the heat is finally over and this unseasonably warm weather is most comfortable.

Gym class in the senior year hadn't been taken up by the rest of the teachers yet, it still belonged to the students, and there was gym in the afternoons, and after the last class of the morning, a few of the Li Fans began to yell at each other to remember to bring the ball in the afternoons.

"The second class also has gym class this afternoon, so it's perfect for a fight."

This was said to Chen Yaoyang, who naturally had no objections, as he had always been the star of the school, not only a top student, but also the center of attention on the court.

A few guys hooked up and went out, and a few girls also packed up their things, including Qiao Lan's deskmate, and went out of the classroom in pairs.

Qiao Lan was still sitting in her seat, a pen in her hand as she brushed and scribbled something.

"Just pretend," a short-haired girl snorted.

"Qiao Lan has really been working hard lately, I heard that she comes early every morning to memorize her books."

"Memorize a fart, deliberately waiting outside Chen Yaoyang 呢，而且就她那底子那腦，就算真的学了也没用。"

"People have to be a little self-aware, why do you think she's not at all."

"Aiya this is not no way, like her poor and ugly study and poor, poor and ugly can not help, can only be remedied in the study remedy."

A few people laughed out loud and changed the topic after that, "What kind of girls do you guys think Chen Yaoyang really likes?"

"Just like Song Yao."

"I seem to remember that Chen Yaoyang said he likes smart people, Song Yao's grades are good, so Chen Yaoyang can't help but like it, plus she's so pretty and her family is so rich."

"I don't think so... Song Yao likes Chen Yaoyang so obviously... Chen Yaoyang didn't confess, so he shouldn't like it..."

"Who cares, we'll watch Chen Yaoyang play ball together in gym class this afternoon, it seems that class 2 also happens to have gym class, and we can still see Hao Ying 呢, do you guys want to buy water this afternoon..."

The meaning behind the purchase of the water was so obvious that a few people laughed into the air and understood it for themselves.

When the classroom was almost empty, Qiao Lan walked out.

Read a little more, the midterm exam is getting closer and closer, she still does not have much confidence in physics, after all, she used to be a liberal arts student, physics and other things have long forgotten, and physics is mainly based on understanding, completely rely on self-study is still a little difficult.

Craning his neck to look back, Tan Mo was gone too.

Qiao Lan leaned back in her chair and let out a long sigh.

It's been a few days since the last time, and Qiao Lan has finally figured out what she said wrong.

On that day, he only said three words in total. Tan Mo did not react to the first two sentences, but after asking him if he wanted to drink water, Tan Mo's whole body was out of sorts.

What exactly does the word drink touch Tan Mo.

In yesterday's information class, Qiao Lan finally got in touch with the Internet. She Googled Asperger's and finally got a general idea about the disease.

One of the points that Qiao Lan has scratched the surface is that people with Asperger's, especially children, are prone to bullying because they don't fit in with other children, and according to statistics, 90 percent of children with Asperger's have been bullied by their peers in their childhood.

This can easily lead to one result, suffering from delusions of victimization.

Because of too much persecution and bullying, it's only natural that it would turn out this way.

Words with intent can be irritating to Tan Mo. Tan Mo is so sensitive to the word drink, perhaps because someone has hurt him in the way he has been hurt by drinking.

Qiao Lan feels a little guilty.

She didn't mean to, but it's true that she hurt Tan Mo.

On top of that, after observing Tan Mo for several days, Qiao Lan realized that Tan Mo never brought a glass of water to school, and he never left his seat, even to go to the bathroom.

Qiao Lan realizes with hindsight that going to the bathroom will not be easy for Tan Mo. Not only will it not be easy, but she will probably be laughed at by her classmates.

Qiao Lan is even more guilty.

Walking on campus, Qiao Lan thought to herself that if she wanted to really get in touch with Tan Mo, if she wanted Tan Mo not to reject her so much, she had to be a little more careful. Passing by the campus mini-market, Qiao Lan turned into the supermarket and bought the refill that she was going to buy, and then bought a lollipop.

In my haste to walk, I didn't see that there happened to be a few of my classmates in the supermarket buying water.

A few girls turned their heads and saw Qiao Lan buying candies, they greeted the girls they were with, and watched Qiao Lan walk away as they talked to each other.

"I knew she couldn't take it anymore at last!"

Qiao Lan used to buy candy every day to please the boys and girls in the class, before has not been bought, today unprecedented actually bought again, not can not stand the reappearance want to please Chen Yaoyang them, what else can it be.

A few people got excited and ran to the classroom after buying water. In the classroom, Chen Yaoyang was talking, and Qin Yang was holding the basketball brought by Chen Yaoyang, saying that the ball was good.

A few girls crowded over and looked at Chen Yaoyang before saying to Qin Yang, "Guess what we just saw."

"What's that?" Qin Yang's not interested. He's all about basketball right now.

"We just went to the supermarket to buy something, and we met Qiao Lan", I saw Qin Yang turn her head.

"Qiao Lan is buying candy."

Qin Yang will basketball on the ground heavily shot a smile tube can not be managed, "Fuck his mother finally can not stand it, I know, she that kind of person," finished and hey smile sitting on the basketball to look at Chen Yaoyang a glance, "And again, there is Yao Yang here! I know."

Chen Yaoyang cursed and kicked the basketball out, "Shut up if you can't talk."

Several people burst out laughing, especially Qin Yang, who laughed extra loud.